Better Under Pressure?

Sep 15, 2022

Better Under Pressure?

I think most of you know some of the stress and heartache I've gone through with my children a few years ago.

When I look back on those times now, they seem so far away.

My body has disconnected from that stress and the pressure to survive. It knows it was once there, but it really does feel like a distant memory.

Over the years (especially the last year) I've received tons of comments from people who can FEEL the shift in me, that I'm softer and more at ease in life. That I'm no longer the girl with her back against the wall trying to fight her way out.

And it's been interesting for myself feeling all things that I don't think I'd ever felt before in my life.

Feeling completely safe.
At ease.
Comfortable.

Throughout my entire life there's been survival at the core of my drive and ambition, so survival and being under pressure with heavy weight on my shoulders is what had become my normal.

With a defined root centre and spleen (Human Design), I do very well under pressure and I know what is good for my survival, which is good because if I hadn't had those centres defined and I also hadn't been primed since a child to handle pressure and know how to work my way through difficult times in order to survive, who knows how my life would look now with everything that's gone on.

The thing is though -- that even though people are strong and they can handle the jandal, it doesn't mean that that has to be your entire life.

I knew that even though I COULD handle pressure and that I do very fucking well in fact when I'm between a rock and a hard place, that's not where I wanted to live out the rest of my days.

I was still craving for safety and for ease and for just chilling the fuck out without always having to be on the go and creating and doing so that I could achieve and succeed.

Before the forced lockdowns, I had NEVER taken a break. But when you're forced to stay in one household with your 5 kids, partner and also in-laws, you kind of can't DO. You really do have to chill the fuck out and just go with the flow with whatever happened during the day and make lockdown seem fun and not as contrsicting as it was.

And I noticed myself working less and less, and WANTING to work less and less. Wanting to share less on social media. Wanting to not be on calls every damn day and dreading Zoom meetings.
I wanted to lie in bed and watch TV. I wanted to play outside with the kids. I wanted to not be on my phone sharing the #freedomlifestyle beacuse where was the freedom?
It didn't make sense to me anymore and so I pulled back and eventually stopped and then eventually just said fuck it.

I started diving deeper into why I was so "on" all the time and it realised it was because of that survival mode. So I decided to lean back and play with the idea that I didn't have to be in that state anymore, and what if I could just BE.

What if I just chose to feel safe?
What if I just chose to be at ease?
What if I just chose to be the opposite of what I had known myself as?

What would happen?

I learned more about myself and what I truly truly desired.
Not what I was conditioned to desire or what I was running away from.

It's been the most intersting journey and I love that I get to share with you guys now from a place of reflection.

Because my soul has truly been yearning to share more and express more, but it just needed to do it from a different place.

How have you seen yourself to be and is that truly how you desire to be? Or is there something else?

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